Am I Dreaming?

20 weeks today.  Half way there!  I can hardly believe it.  We have come such a long way.  I need to pinch myself!  I have been a little more relaxed since my last "episode" which resulted in a 8:00 am call to my doctor and an appt with her an hour later.  Everything was perfectly fine.  Baby was still growing perfectly, my uterus was measuring perfectly, I am just a little crazy is all.  I saw a perinatologist today.  While I was there I met with a genetic counselor who went over mine and Jason's family background.  Because my sister was born with a whole in her heart and a condition called cardiomyopathy runs in my family she said we have a greater risk than normal of having a baby with a heart defect.  So during my ultra sound with the perinatologist we took a good look at baby girl's heart.  It looked great, no defects seen, at least nothing that can be detected by ultra sound.  All baby's organs and anatomy looked good.  Fluid was good, umbilical cord and placenta looked good.  We looked over this pregnancy with a fine tooth comb today and I got an A+ and was sent on my way.  Perinatologist said she does not need to see me back unless something else comes up that my OB thinks I need to be seen for.  So to celebrate, my mom and I went shopping for the baby and looked at paint samples for the nursery. Ouch, I just had to pinch myself again.

I never gave up hope that I would have another baby one day.  It was that hope that drove me to keep trying, keep searching for answers.  It was that hope that kept me fighting through the grief, through the litany of painful physical tests, through the stress on my family, I just kept hoping and praying and believing and trying.  But even so, there is a part of me that never believed I would be sitting here this pregnant ever again.  It is truly a miracle.  I feel this little girl kick and wiggle and move every day.  I watch as I grow rounder and rounder and I really do have to pinch myself sometimes.  How is this possible after so many losses?  I don't even know what this is.  For me, what I know is this, pregnancy ends in miscarriage, period.  Yes, I have Riley who is also a miracle.  But I thought I got my miracle and we are each allotted one per life time.  I got mine, no more.  I don't know how, or I have forgotten how, to be pregnant and actually have a live, healthy baby at the end of it.  This is so foreign to me. Wonderful but foreign.

20 more weeks and our little girl will be here.  I'm showing, I'm feeling her  move, we are starting her nursery.  It's really happening and it's not a dream. To the God who hears our prayers and gives us more than we could ask or imagine, thank you.

I love you always and forever and no matter what.

Going Crazy

It's 4:30 in the morning. I have dozed off and on all night but never really slept.  I finally get out of bed at 3:30.  In the quiet, still, darkness of my house while everyone else is asleep, I sit in my kitchen eating cereal and drinking orange juice while I quietly cry.  I have vowed several times to put this fear behind me and move forward with this pregnancy in joy and happiness but it is becoming apparent to me that may not happen.  This fear will just be my constant companion until she is born and as much as I long to experience the joy of this pregnancy, it is just so hard for me.  For me, perhaps, the joy comes after birth, but not a moment before. 

Two days ago I came down with the stomach flu.  For an entire day I could not eat or barely drink anything.  I checked my baby's heart beat and it was 168, high. My doctor told me anything between 120 and 160 is normal.  Jason told me not to worry.  It was probably just because I was a little dehydrated.  She has been moving and kicking up a storm in response to my illness which was a little reassuring and also frightening.  I do not remember feeling Riley move this much this early and I wonder if something is wrong that is causing her to move so much.  Is she in distress?  When I got out of bed at 3:30 this morning I checked her heart rate twice, 130's.  Now it's low.  And now she is not moving much.  This is torture.  When she is moving and her hear rate is high, I worry.  When she is not moving and her heart rate is low, I worry.  Any little thing, like an episode of the stomach flu terrifies me.  I look at the clock and count the hours until I can call my doctor in the morning.  I pray she will survive until then.  I wonder if I am going crazy.  Earlier this evening in a moment of exasperation my husband says to me, "I need a vacation!  My parents are a mess, you're sick, you're pregnant, I'm missing work!" The toll is too much for him and I know I cannot burden him with this pregnancy or my fears any longer.  Which means when I call the doctor this morning to see if she can squeeze me in before she starts seeing patients, I will not ask him to stay home with Riley, I will have to wake her up and take her with me.  This is exhausting.

I hope I will find that I am just worrying for nothing when I see my doctor.  I very likely am, but with my history I just can't be too careful.  It's been 20 minutes since I drank my sugary OJ and ate my cereal.  I check her heart beat again, 140.  I think I am definitely crazy.  But who loses six babies and doesn't become just a little bit crazy?

I love you always and forever and no matter what.

Part Two

For two years I have been following the blog of a mother who lost her four year old daughter in a tragic car accident.  I read her latest post today and couldn't help but share it and piggy back it on my own post from earlier today.  She spoke straight to my heart today and said what I was feeling far more eloquently than I ever could.

Eyes on the Horizon
http://www.rachelsuzking.blogspot.com/

Why do I suddenly want to celebrate and share that our little baby girl is coming?  Because I want to set my eyes on the horizon.  I want to focus on the beauty made possible by this storm we have endured.  I don't want the dark, ugly dirt under my feet to grab my attention and be my focus anymore.  The trials I have endured were not meant to give me a spirit of fear.  They were meant for my good.  (2 Timothy 1:7, Genesis 50:20) We could spend our whole lives trying to figure out why bad things happen.  We could spin our heads and never know all the answers.  Until the day our glasses are removed we will never see the beauty in all its divine fullness.  But I can finally rest in the only answer I do know to be true.  Why did I have to endure the loss of six children....because in that pain God's glory is more beautifully reflected.  How could a rainbow ever be so beautiful if not for the storm and clouds that make it possible?

I love you always and forever and no matter what. 

The Age of Viability

I sit in my doctor's office yesterday having a conversation with my doctor's nurse.  She asks me excitedly if I'm feeling the baby move yet.  I think they want me to start feeling movement so I will be reassured and calm down a little bit.  I tell her I have felt the baby move a little here and there but not like the big, consistent kicks and punches you feel when you get a little further along.  She then says, "Well our next goal is to get you to viability.  You can do it!".  Viability, meaning 24 weeks, the age at which a baby can survive outside of their mother's womb.  But just because they can survive at just 24 weeks does not mean that they all do and even the ones that do can have life long complications associated with being born so premature.  No, as much as I want this baby safely out of me and in my arms, I know it is not time and 24 weeks is way too early.  I suppose if it was deliver at 24 weeks or lose another baby I would of course deliver her, but I want more than that.  I want her to grow safely inside of me all the way to term.  No premature babies for us please.  Six more weeks to go and she will be "viable".  I admit it is a little reassuring to know that once I hit that milestone, if anything were to go wrong, she would have a chance outside of me.  But I just wonder if this is even a conversation "normal" women have with their doctors.  I hate it.  I don't want to have this conversation.  I just want her to stay safe inside me for five more months.

Viable.  The definition of viable is capable of living.  To me, this baby has been viable since day one.  All of them have been.  Maybe they couldn't survive outside the womb yet but they were capable of living.  They lived for a few days, a few weeks, a few months and then they went to another place to live.  But they still live on.  They are still viable, capable of living in the heart of their mother.  Our little baby life is capable of living.  She is doing it right now :).  And because all life is valuable and has meaning and purpose, I just can't hide this little life anymore.  I announced on my blog I am pregnant and my whole family and many close friends know that I am pregnant.  But we still have not really officially announced it.  If a person does not know I'm pregnant, I don't tell them.  I just don't really talk about it.  But I don't want to hide this life behind my fear anymore.  She is life.  She is valuable.  She is a gift.  She is viable and she deserves to be celebrated.  So I resolve from here on out to celebrate this little life.  To tell people she exists.  To talk about her.  To plan for her.  To have hopes and dreams for her.  She is my darling girl and she deserves all that.  I fear I may never know her.  I have faith that I will.  But either way it doesn't matter, she deserves to be celebrated.  I am going to muster up all the courage I have and proceed as if there is no reason to believe she won't soon be here on this earth alive and well.  I will still battle the fear, I know.  But I will no longer allow it to stop us from celebrating that we have been given one of God's most precious gifts, children, and we have been given eight of them, six in heaven, two on earth.  How blessed we are.  Let's celebrate!

I love you always and forever and no matter what.

16 Weeks

16 weeks.  This is the week I lost my baby in December 2011.  On Monday this week, it hit me harder than I thought it would.  I felt sad all day, thinking back to how at this same point in a previous pregnancy I lost one of the most precious things in the world to me, my child.  At this point I was falling apart, overwhelmed by sadness and grief.  At this point I sat in a hospital as my child was being ripped from me in a way no child should ever be taken from their mother.  On Monday I was 15 weeks 6 days pregnant, the last time I heard my baby's heart beat in that previous pregnancy.  I was just so sad this week and I just stayed in bed and cried.  But on Tuesday, 16 weeks 1 day, I checked my baby's heart beat and it was there, thumping right along.  on Wednesday I saw my doctor and had an ultrasound.  Baby's growth is perfect, heart rate perfect and baby is very active, moving all over.  And as a little gift to mommy on this very difficult week, baby let me know it is in there and not planning on going anywhere anytime soon by giving me a nice little kick, first one I have felt in this pregnancy.  Oh the conflicting emotions I carry around, sadness and joy.  Always one with the other.  But some days one outweighs the other.  Monday the sadness won.  Wednesday the joy won.  "I carry around a bucket in each hand.  One is filled with happy.  One is filled with sad.  Some days they are held equally.  Other days one outweighs the other."  A story my therapist told me to help me process these dueling emotions I carry.

And so I have only carried one baby this far and I carried her on all the way to term and she is the light of our lives, Riley Grace.  I can't imagine this one won't follow in big sister's foot steps and join us in this world, join in big sister's light to create a light so bright between the two of them that it will blind me.  I think back to how this pregnancy began and I see all the ways God was so involved from before I even conceived.  How He carried and sustained this baby through so much in those early weeks, the lack of life saving medicine that was needed and I couldn't get because of the snow storm, a frightening uterine bleed, a close family member's illness suddenly taking a turn for the worse.  So much stress.  I even remember emailing my specialist in New York, Dr. Braverman, and telling him I was sure I was having a miscarriage to which he replied, "It's OK.  Without the medicine started on time it was unlikely we could have saved this one.  We will get it started on time with the next one."  I called my best friend at 9:00 am in the morning that day and asked her if she wanted to go out for mimosas with me.  That's how sad and sure I was that I was miscarrying again.  Thank God she was busy and I did not drink those mimosas because the next day I started the medicine and my HCG shot up and to every one's surprise I was still quite pregnant.  "Unlikely we could have saved this one." What an awful thing to hear.  But God is bigger than anything we can do or don't get done on time.  I think about that all the time.  How even my doctor thought this baby wasn't going to make it, but here we are with a beautiful baby kicking around in there. Miracles happen.  I think about that on days like Monday.

So we move on, still scared and I know I will be until I hold this baby in my arms, but choosing to step out in faith each day.  Choosing to love this little one with all my heart, like there is no reason to believe I could ever lose this precious child.  16 weeks has come and is almost gone and we have all survived it.  Thank you God.

P.S.  Our sweet miracle is another pink princess!!!  I love you always and forever and no matter what baby girl!

Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day can be a very difficult day for mother's who have lost a child.  I remember several Mother's Days when I just felt so sad and depressed.  I remember feeling so disappointed because no one gave me a Mother's Day card.  Even after Riley was born it was still a little hard and there was a twinge of sadness underneath the joy.  This Mother's Day is no different...joy and a thankful heart that I have been given Riley and another little baby to mother.  Sadness for the babies I never got to meet and the reality that a beloved mother and mimi will soon be gone. 

I have been so struck lately by how fleeting life is.  Another thing I thought I knew, but now I really know.  After watching my mother in law slowly die before our very eyes I sometimes can't believe just a few short years ago she was healthy and vibrant.  Just a few short months ago she was still pushing Riley on a swing.  Yes, life is fleeting and it can change in an instant.  Oddly enough, this encourages me to live.  Really live.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  Be kind to others.  Don't judge.  Always act out of love. Eat at fancy restaurants.  Go on lots of vacations.  Hug your little ones as much as you can.  Have a picnic in your bed while watching Sesame Street with your kids and don't worry about the crumbs (I did that one this week!).  Love your husband like crazy.  Splurge a little.  Drink really good wine.  Sit on your patio and appreciate a beautiful, sunny day and the sound of your kids playing and giggling.  Snuggle your little ones even when you know you should walk out and let them go to sleep.  Sing them just one more song.  Read them just one more story.  Take it all in.  Live it and enjoy it.  Life is way too short and way to full of ugliness to let the good times pass you by. 

So even though I was sad this weekend, I got a massage, I went shopping with a friend, I received with joy jewelry from my husband, I took in the sweet little three year old silliness of my daughter, I rejoiced for the little one soon to come, I visited Vickie and cried with her and loved her.  I appreciated that I am a mother.  I lived.  To all you baby loss moms out there, my heart goes out to you.  I know the ache you feel in your heart on this day.  I know how you feel like an impostor for wanting to be recognized as a mother too.  But hear this, you are a mother.  You celebrate that you had your little one for as long as you did. You cry.  You feel angry.  You go shop and spend a little too much.  You get through this however you have to.  But the one thing you don't do is doubt that you are a mother and this day is for you too.  Most of the world may not recognize you as a "real" mother, but God does and your baby does.  And they are the only ones who really matter.  Hang in there mamas.  And don't lose hope.  Next Mother's Day you may be holding a little one.  One that screams to the whole world, "I am a mother!" and I can tell you, oh how much you appreciate and love and cherish that role once you have been through what we have.  Life is short.  Live it with all your heart.  Happy Mother's Day to ALL the mothers out there!

I love you always and forever and no matter what.

Rainbow Baby

14 weeks.  Good bye first trimester.  Hello second.  There is a sense of relief that I have made it this far.  But since I did lose one baby in the second trimester I am not as relieved as I wish I could be.  The fear is bad today and I don't know why.  It just comes some days worse than others.  I am checking my baby's heart beat with a fetal Doppler again this pregnancy.  I am closing in on 16 weeks, my latest miscarriage happened at 16 weeks.  These few weeks leading up to then are more anxious than usual.  I remember checking that baby's heart beat for the last time.  The heart rate was in the 140's, completely normal, and yet I had a bad feeling that it was too low.  I just knew.  So I guess it's no surprise this morning when I checked my baby's heart beat and it was in the 140's, I started to worry.   I checked it again....130's.  My mind went to the dark place immediately.  I was right back there and I was paralyzed with fear.  I checked it again 15 minutes later...back up in the 150's, a small sigh of relief, but still a call to my doctor's office where the nurse assured me that as long as it is between 120 and 160 it is normal and fine and even if it fluctuates that much it is still fine.  Oh, how long can I do this?  Well, I have to do it for six more months.  I have no choice.  I just want this baby here, in my arms, safe, at last. 

I don't know how I have never heard of this before, what with all my miscarriages and my connection to rainbows.  But I came across this for the first time yesterday, the term rainbow baby.  A rainbow baby is a bay who is born after a miscarriage or stillbirth.  The thought being that in order for a rainbow to appear, there must first be a storm.  The rainbow doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that it is even over.  But it means there is a gift, beauty, a reward for enduring the storm.  Rainbow babies can only come if first there is a storm.  I read this two days after my best friend sent me a picture of a rainbow she saw while on vacation with the simple words, "This made me think of you".  It is so hard to be this afraid.  I feel so weak, like such a failure for not having more faith, more trust in God.  I pray, "Please God don't take this baby for lack of my faith."  It is such a tormented place to be in.  All I can do is move forward with the sheer hope and faith that this is my rainbow baby.  The one that will come after such a long and devastating storm.  The one that will bring beauty back into our lives and remind me that the storm was so worth it.  Today is a tough day.  Stay with me Baby Life, my sweet little rainbow baby, stay with me.

I love you always and forever and no matter what.