It's 4:30 in the morning. I have dozed off and on all night but never really slept. I finally get out of bed at 3:30. In the quiet, still, darkness of my house while everyone else is asleep, I sit in my kitchen eating cereal and drinking orange juice while I quietly cry. I have vowed several times to put this fear behind me and move forward with this pregnancy in joy and happiness but it is becoming apparent to me that may not happen. This fear will just be my constant companion until she is born and as much as I long to experience the joy of this pregnancy, it is just so hard for me. For me, perhaps, the joy comes after birth, but not a moment before.
Two days ago I came down with the stomach flu. For an entire day I could not eat or barely drink anything. I checked my baby's heart beat and it was 168, high. My doctor told me anything between 120 and 160 is normal. Jason told me not to worry. It was probably just because I was a little dehydrated. She has been moving and kicking up a storm in response to my illness which was a little reassuring and also frightening. I do not remember feeling Riley move this much this early and I wonder if something is wrong that is causing her to move so much. Is she in distress? When I got out of bed at 3:30 this morning I checked her heart rate twice, 130's. Now it's low. And now she is not moving much. This is torture. When she is moving and her hear rate is high, I worry. When she is not moving and her heart rate is low, I worry. Any little thing, like an episode of the stomach flu terrifies me. I look at the clock and count the hours until I can call my doctor in the morning. I pray she will survive until then. I wonder if I am going crazy. Earlier this evening in a moment of exasperation my husband says to me, "I need a vacation! My parents are a mess, you're sick, you're pregnant, I'm missing work!" The toll is too much for him and I know I cannot burden him with this pregnancy or my fears any longer. Which means when I call the doctor this morning to see if she can squeeze me in before she starts seeing patients, I will not ask him to stay home with Riley, I will have to wake her up and take her with me. This is exhausting.
I hope I will find that I am just worrying for nothing when I see my doctor. I very likely am, but with my history I just can't be too careful. It's been 20 minutes since I drank my sugary OJ and ate my cereal. I check her heart beat again, 140. I think I am definitely crazy. But who loses six babies and doesn't become just a little bit crazy?
I love you always and forever and no matter what.
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