Mother's Day can be a very difficult day for mother's who have lost a child. I remember several Mother's Days when I just felt so sad and depressed. I remember feeling so disappointed because no one gave me a Mother's Day card. Even after Riley was born it was still a little hard and there was a twinge of sadness underneath the joy. This Mother's Day is no different...joy and a thankful heart that I have been given Riley and another little baby to mother. Sadness for the babies I never got to meet and the reality that a beloved mother and mimi will soon be gone.
I have been so struck lately by how fleeting life is. Another thing I thought I knew, but now I really know. After watching my mother in law slowly die before our very eyes I sometimes can't believe just a few short years ago she was healthy and vibrant. Just a few short months ago she was still pushing Riley on a swing. Yes, life is fleeting and it can change in an instant. Oddly enough, this encourages me to live. Really live. Don't sweat the small stuff. Be kind to others. Don't judge. Always act out of love. Eat at fancy restaurants. Go on lots of vacations. Hug your little ones as much as you can. Have a picnic in your bed while watching Sesame Street with your kids and don't worry about the crumbs (I did that one this week!). Love your husband like crazy. Splurge a little. Drink really good wine. Sit on your patio and appreciate a beautiful, sunny day and the sound of your kids playing and giggling. Snuggle your little ones even when you know you should walk out and let them go to sleep. Sing them just one more song. Read them just one more story. Take it all in. Live it and enjoy it. Life is way too short and way to full of ugliness to let the good times pass you by.
So even though I was sad this weekend, I got a massage, I went shopping with a friend, I received with joy jewelry from my husband, I took in the sweet little three year old silliness of my daughter, I rejoiced for the little one soon to come, I visited Vickie and cried with her and loved her. I appreciated that I am a mother. I lived. To all you baby loss moms out there, my heart goes out to you. I know the ache you feel in your heart on this day. I know how you feel like an impostor for wanting to be recognized as a mother too. But hear this, you are a mother. You celebrate that you had your little one for as long as you did. You cry. You feel angry. You go shop and spend a little too much. You get through this however you have to. But the one thing you don't do is doubt that you are a mother and this day is for you too. Most of the world may not recognize you as a "real" mother, but God does and your baby does. And they are the only ones who really matter. Hang in there mamas. And don't lose hope. Next Mother's Day you may be holding a little one. One that screams to the whole world, "I am a mother!" and I can tell you, oh how much you appreciate and love and cherish that role once you have been through what we have. Life is short. Live it with all your heart. Happy Mother's Day to ALL the mothers out there!
I love you always and forever and no matter what.
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