I sit in my doctor's office yesterday having a conversation with my doctor's nurse. She asks me excitedly if I'm feeling the baby move yet. I think they want me to start feeling movement so I will be reassured and calm down a little bit. I tell her I have felt the baby move a little here and there but not like the big, consistent kicks and punches you feel when you get a little further along. She then says, "Well our next goal is to get you to viability. You can do it!". Viability, meaning 24 weeks, the age at which a baby can survive outside of their mother's womb. But just because they can survive at just 24 weeks does not mean that they all do and even the ones that do can have life long complications associated with being born so premature. No, as much as I want this baby safely out of me and in my arms, I know it is not time and 24 weeks is way too early. I suppose if it was deliver at 24 weeks or lose another baby I would of course deliver her, but I want more than that. I want her to grow safely inside of me all the way to term. No premature babies for us please. Six more weeks to go and she will be "viable". I admit it is a little reassuring to know that once I hit that milestone, if anything were to go wrong, she would have a chance outside of me. But I just wonder if this is even a conversation "normal" women have with their doctors. I hate it. I don't want to have this conversation. I just want her to stay safe inside me for five more months.
Viable. The definition of viable is capable of living. To me, this baby has been viable since day one. All of them have been. Maybe they couldn't survive outside the womb yet but they were capable of living. They lived for a few days, a few weeks, a few months and then they went to another place to live. But they still live on. They are still viable, capable of living in the heart of their mother. Our little baby life is capable of living. She is doing it right now :). And because all life is valuable and has meaning and purpose, I just can't hide this little life anymore. I announced on my blog I am pregnant and my whole family and many close friends know that I am pregnant. But we still have not really officially announced it. If a person does not know I'm pregnant, I don't tell them. I just don't really talk about it. But I don't want to hide this life behind my fear anymore. She is life. She is valuable. She is a gift. She is viable and she deserves to be celebrated. So I resolve from here on out to celebrate this little life. To tell people she exists. To talk about her. To plan for her. To have hopes and dreams for her. She is my darling girl and she deserves all that. I fear I may never know her. I have faith that I will. But either way it doesn't matter, she deserves to be celebrated. I am going to muster up all the courage I have and proceed as if there is no reason to believe she won't soon be here on this earth alive and well. I will still battle the fear, I know. But I will no longer allow it to stop us from celebrating that we have been given one of God's most precious gifts, children, and we have been given eight of them, six in heaven, two on earth. How blessed we are. Let's celebrate!
I love you always and forever and no matter what.
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