It seems several months have once again gone by since my last post. I cannot blame this completely on the sleep deprivation and adjustment to two kids, though that is certainly part of it. But the truth is, I am just not sure where to go with this blog from here. There was a time when I needed this outlet. I needed to scream from the roof tops as loud as I could to anyone who would listen, to anyone who was brave enough to go to the deep dark place with me, I needed to pour my pain out. I wanted to share my journey because I wanted to make a difference for others going through the same pain, because I wanted to help end the silence that surrounds miscarriage but more than anything I wanted to share it because I just needed to get it out for my own healing. I needed it to matter. I needed my babies to be real to someone other than just me. And the only way I knew to make them real was to talk about them, to write about them, to share the intense pain I felt when I lost them. I needed this blog for my own healing. But not so much now. I don't so much feel the need to scream it, but maybe just perhaps to whisper it now and then. This blog was a journey through our attempt to have another baby. We had our baby....so what now? I have just not been sure where to take it from here.
The most natural place to take it is to where my life is now...mother to two young children. I have not wanted to take it there. Because I know there are people who read this who find it incredibly painful to read about mothers and babies. Because they long to be mothers of babies, the kind of babies that survive long enough to be held in their arms. For many of my followers their babies did not make it that far. So how can I possibly write and share about my two healthy, living children when I know the pain that causes a mother who has recently miscarried and is still struggling to have a baby. But tonight it occurred to me that maybe I can do both, write about my life as it is now and also continue to write about the pain of miscarriage and maybe sharing my life as mother to two rainbow babies will offer hope to women still aspiring to have their own rainbow baby. Maybe I am just not sure where or what this blog will be now. But if I just keep writing maybe it will just evolve into what it is meant to evolve into, of which I am not even sure yet. So if you are still willing to journey with me, let's see where we end up....
My miracle rainbow baby is six months old today. I feel such an intense love for her. I am elated that our little baby is growing and changing every day. I am sad that our little baby is already half way through her first year. This is my last baby. I will never again rock a baby in the wee hours of the morning. I will never again fall in love with chubby thighs and the giggle that comes when I tickle them. I will never again feel the pride and joy a mother feels when her baby smiles, rolls over, crawls or does a dozen other things for the first time. I will never hold her little body against mine swaying back and forth to lull her to sleep. I will never nurse again. I will never look into baby eyes so bright with wonder and excitement at this new world she learns more about every day. And it is all flying by so fast. I vow to cherish every moment. But the moments come in the midst of every day life, hectic, busy and frazzled. I cherish many of them, but I want to stop time and savor them even more. I found a book that I gave to my girls for Easter this year. It is called "If I Could Keep You Little". It talks about all the things we mothers love about our kids when they are little, but all the things we would miss if they didn't grow up. It is both a joy and a heart breaker to watch our children grow. But oh how blessed we are to watch these little people grow up. I once again remind myself that this time of getting up with a baby three and four times a night will soon end and I feel new resolve to just love these next six months of Vivienne's life, her last six months as a baby.
And as for our little Riley. What a stinker she has been the last two days! Battles over clothes, hair, shoes, what cup to drink out of, everything...everything is a battle lately. Today she refused to stay in time out and she kept getting out of the chair and running away from me when I would follow her to put her back in the chair. She called me "yucky", told me she didn't love me anymore and informed we were not friends anymore. Then she scratched me. All this right after returning home from the Disney store where she spent her birthday money on new toys. So a mere 30 minutes after returning home from our shopping trip, we were back in the car headed back to the store to return her new toys because girls who behave like that do not get new toys. She handed the toys back to the cashier and told her what she had done and why she could not keep them. We headed back home and she went straight to bed. I then retreated to my patio to de-stress over a beautiful Spring evening and a glass of wine....only to have a little four year old join me before even one sip of wine had crossed my lips. And what did I do when this little one who had pushed me to my breaking point showed up? I decided another battle was the last thing she or I needed. I cuddled her up in my lap, told her I was sorry we had such a bad day, told her we would try to have a better day tomorrow. I then sent her to the trampoline to jump with her daddy. I sat back, sipped my wine, and marveled at my beautiful girl and amazing husband playing together and I thanked God that even on our hardest days I can still hear the voice in my heart telling me that the best way to handle this feisty little girl is with love.
I love you always and forever and no matter what.
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