16 Weeks

16 weeks.  This is the week I lost my baby in December 2011.  On Monday this week, it hit me harder than I thought it would.  I felt sad all day, thinking back to how at this same point in a previous pregnancy I lost one of the most precious things in the world to me, my child.  At this point I was falling apart, overwhelmed by sadness and grief.  At this point I sat in a hospital as my child was being ripped from me in a way no child should ever be taken from their mother.  On Monday I was 15 weeks 6 days pregnant, the last time I heard my baby's heart beat in that previous pregnancy.  I was just so sad this week and I just stayed in bed and cried.  But on Tuesday, 16 weeks 1 day, I checked my baby's heart beat and it was there, thumping right along.  on Wednesday I saw my doctor and had an ultrasound.  Baby's growth is perfect, heart rate perfect and baby is very active, moving all over.  And as a little gift to mommy on this very difficult week, baby let me know it is in there and not planning on going anywhere anytime soon by giving me a nice little kick, first one I have felt in this pregnancy.  Oh the conflicting emotions I carry around, sadness and joy.  Always one with the other.  But some days one outweighs the other.  Monday the sadness won.  Wednesday the joy won.  "I carry around a bucket in each hand.  One is filled with happy.  One is filled with sad.  Some days they are held equally.  Other days one outweighs the other."  A story my therapist told me to help me process these dueling emotions I carry.

And so I have only carried one baby this far and I carried her on all the way to term and she is the light of our lives, Riley Grace.  I can't imagine this one won't follow in big sister's foot steps and join us in this world, join in big sister's light to create a light so bright between the two of them that it will blind me.  I think back to how this pregnancy began and I see all the ways God was so involved from before I even conceived.  How He carried and sustained this baby through so much in those early weeks, the lack of life saving medicine that was needed and I couldn't get because of the snow storm, a frightening uterine bleed, a close family member's illness suddenly taking a turn for the worse.  So much stress.  I even remember emailing my specialist in New York, Dr. Braverman, and telling him I was sure I was having a miscarriage to which he replied, "It's OK.  Without the medicine started on time it was unlikely we could have saved this one.  We will get it started on time with the next one."  I called my best friend at 9:00 am in the morning that day and asked her if she wanted to go out for mimosas with me.  That's how sad and sure I was that I was miscarrying again.  Thank God she was busy and I did not drink those mimosas because the next day I started the medicine and my HCG shot up and to every one's surprise I was still quite pregnant.  "Unlikely we could have saved this one." What an awful thing to hear.  But God is bigger than anything we can do or don't get done on time.  I think about that all the time.  How even my doctor thought this baby wasn't going to make it, but here we are with a beautiful baby kicking around in there. Miracles happen.  I think about that on days like Monday.

So we move on, still scared and I know I will be until I hold this baby in my arms, but choosing to step out in faith each day.  Choosing to love this little one with all my heart, like there is no reason to believe I could ever lose this precious child.  16 weeks has come and is almost gone and we have all survived it.  Thank you God.

P.S.  Our sweet miracle is another pink princess!!!  I love you always and forever and no matter what baby girl!