After
years of disappointment, years of heartache and loss, years of unending
doctors appointments, endless tests, searching for answers, years of
hoping and praying, years of refusing to give up, after all this, on
October 23, 2013 Vivienne Faith was born. She is healthy and perfect.
I remember the moment she was born. I covered my eyes, too scared to
look at her. It was so unbelievable to me that my baby had survived 9 months
inside me and could really be here. It was so unbelievable that I
couldn't look, because if it was true and she was finally here, then it
would be the culmination of years and years of sadness, grief, hope,
faith and fight all wrapped up in one little miracle life. If it was
true and she was really here I would be unequivocally, unconditionally,
head over heals in love with her and that terrified me. Because I know
that great risk comes with loving someone that much. I heard my doctor
firmly say my name, "Morgan". I looked up at her through exhausted and
hot tears. She looked me right in the eyes and said, "Morgan, look at
your baby." And I did. And I fell unequivocally, unconditionally, head
over heals in love with her. They laid her on my chest and in an
instant I knew I would die for her, my sweet, precious, miracle, rainbow
baby. Were those tears I saw in my doctor's eyes as she hugged me,
congratulated me and then slipped out of the room to see her next
patient?
We took our little Vivienne Faith home a
few days later. She had a pretty serious case of jaundice and we spent
the weekend holding her all wrapped up in a photo therapy blanket hoping
she would not have to be readmitted to the hospital for treatment. The
jaundice got better over the next few days and those days turned into
weeks and weeks into months...
Many quiet
nights spent peacefully rocking her as I marvel at her perfectness,
first smiles and first giggles and first times rolling over, cuddling up
together for afternoon naps, nursing sessions that forge a bond between
mother and baby like no other. It is a fairy tale ending...a little
bit. But let me be the first to tell you that mothering a rainbow baby,
two rainbow babies, is hard work. It is the reason for my three month
hiatus from blogging. I didn't mean to take that long of a break but I am tired, no, exhausted. I am adjusting to
two children which I have learned does not double the work, it triples
it. I stay home with my girls so most days I am in sweats all day long.
I don't get to take showers or even brush my teeth a lot of days. And
it is all so complicated when you are the mother of a rainbow
baby....you don't have the luxury of feeling overwhelmed by your
baby....she is a miracle after all. A miracle who you wanted more than
anything in the world. How can you possibly complain when your prayers
have finally been answered? The guilt of feeling so tired and
overwhelmed was eating me up. So back to my therapist I went. And she
tells me this is oh so common among mothers of rainbow babies. Our
babies are miracles. Our babies were wanted and fought for more than
most. But they are still babies. Babies who are fussy. Babies who
don't sleep. Babies who spit up and poop all over you all day long.
Babies who generate an inordinate amount of never ending laundry.
Babies who change your whole life and leave you dreaming of just one
night of uninterrupted sleep, just one hour at the gym, just one night
out where I get to dress up and talk about something other than
breastfeeding, diaper brands and sleep training, dreaming of the day I
can drink just one cup of coffee all the way through before it gets
cold, wondering if the day I will fit back into my skinny jeans is ever coming. They are miracles
but they are still babies. We are incredibly thankful for and in
love with our baby, but we are still just human. We are still mothers of
newborns and face all the same challenges all mothers of newborns face,
but we face it with the knowledge that all this craziness almost wasn't
and so we add guilt to our list of challenges. The books tell you to
let your baby cry it out if they aren't sleeping but you can't imagine
doing that. I didn't fight for years for this baby just to leave her
alone in her crib crying. The books tell you not to hold them while
they sleep and not to nurse them to sleep. But you can't imagine not
doing the things that feel the most natural to you, holding and nursing
your baby until she is peacefully asleep in your arms, especially after
you worked so hard to get her here. And you wonder if you are setting
up bad habits and ruining her for life. You treasure this baby so much
and you want to break all the rules. You find yourself doing a delicate
dance between breaking the rules and just loving your baby to pieces
and trying to still follow the rules a little and have a baby who the
books define as "good".
And it doesn't help
that Vivienne was born into an atmosphere of chaos. That's what happens
when you are born 6 days after your Mimi passes away...it's a bit
chaotic when you get here. Your daddy is sad and grieving, your mommy
is trying to hold it together for the both of you, your big sister is
adjusting to losing her Mimi and having a new sibling all at
once...chaos. This is the reality of life since Vivienne got here. In
many ways it is just like life when I was pregnant with her, a mess, but
a beautiful mess. Vivienne has terrible acid reflux (which is why she
does not sleep well) but even so, she is the happiest little baby. She
smiles and laughs all the time, sometimes at nothing. She is such a joy
to mother. Riley has adjusted and is turning into such a sweet big
sister. The days are a mixture of feeling tired, feeling overwhelmed,
feeling like I'm never going to be the "all-together" mom I once was
when I was mothering just one child and feeling my heart melt when
Vivienne smiles at me, thanking God when Riley says something cute and
then kisses her baby sister on the head and runs off to play, feeling
like I just conquered the world when I take a shower and make dinner all in
the same day and as of recently deciding to throw the books, the rules
and the guilt out the window. I nurse my baby to sleep, I hold her for
naps sometimes, I go get her when she wakes up crying after she has been put to bed for the night and I let her sleep in my arms while Jason and I
talk or watch a movie. I put her in her car seat and we drive around
while she sleeps and I drink my Starbucks, I slip her in bed with me in
the wee hours of the morning and let her cuddle right up next to me. It
is pure heaven when you disobey all the rules and enjoy it and don't
feel guilty about it. A sweet little baby sleeping on your chest is
always heaven. This is so different from the way I parented Riley. I
followed all the rules with her (I broke them a little here and there :)
but I tried to do what the books told me for the most part. Maybe I
will pay for all this cuddling later when Vivienne is two and still
doesn't sleep through the night. Or maybe it won't bother me, because
that's the thing about rainbow babies, they change who you are as a
parent and as a person. They change your perspective. They make you
break all the rules and just love them. Love them always and forever
and no matter what. Welcome to the world miss Vivienne Faith. You were
born into a family who is sad and grieving and messy right now. You
were born into a family that loves you more than you could ever imagine.
Thank you God for this crazy season of my life and the two sweet
little girls who make it all possible.
Because pictures are worth a thousand words, Vivienne's birth story probably says it better than anything I could write. A link to it is below. My epidural did not work with her at all, not one bit. So I went through pitocin induced labor with no pain meds what so ever. It seems a fitting end to her journey into this world. I had to fight to get her here for years, might as well keep fighting through the labor part of her journey too :) And a word on birth photography. This is a relatively new type of photography and we were skeptical to hire a birth photographer at first. But ultimately I decided that our journey to have her (our story begins here if you don't know) was big enough that I wanted it captured. It was the best decision we ever made. I highly recommend birth photography. You will never regret your decision when you see the precious moments that are captured when you have your baby's birth photographed. I highly recommend Grassroots Photography
