16 Weeks

16 weeks.  This is the week I lost my baby in December 2011.  On Monday this week, it hit me harder than I thought it would.  I felt sad all day, thinking back to how at this same point in a previous pregnancy I lost one of the most precious things in the world to me, my child.  At this point I was falling apart, overwhelmed by sadness and grief.  At this point I sat in a hospital as my child was being ripped from me in a way no child should ever be taken from their mother.  On Monday I was 15 weeks 6 days pregnant, the last time I heard my baby's heart beat in that previous pregnancy.  I was just so sad this week and I just stayed in bed and cried.  But on Tuesday, 16 weeks 1 day, I checked my baby's heart beat and it was there, thumping right along.  on Wednesday I saw my doctor and had an ultrasound.  Baby's growth is perfect, heart rate perfect and baby is very active, moving all over.  And as a little gift to mommy on this very difficult week, baby let me know it is in there and not planning on going anywhere anytime soon by giving me a nice little kick, first one I have felt in this pregnancy.  Oh the conflicting emotions I carry around, sadness and joy.  Always one with the other.  But some days one outweighs the other.  Monday the sadness won.  Wednesday the joy won.  "I carry around a bucket in each hand.  One is filled with happy.  One is filled with sad.  Some days they are held equally.  Other days one outweighs the other."  A story my therapist told me to help me process these dueling emotions I carry.

And so I have only carried one baby this far and I carried her on all the way to term and she is the light of our lives, Riley Grace.  I can't imagine this one won't follow in big sister's foot steps and join us in this world, join in big sister's light to create a light so bright between the two of them that it will blind me.  I think back to how this pregnancy began and I see all the ways God was so involved from before I even conceived.  How He carried and sustained this baby through so much in those early weeks, the lack of life saving medicine that was needed and I couldn't get because of the snow storm, a frightening uterine bleed, a close family member's illness suddenly taking a turn for the worse.  So much stress.  I even remember emailing my specialist in New York, Dr. Braverman, and telling him I was sure I was having a miscarriage to which he replied, "It's OK.  Without the medicine started on time it was unlikely we could have saved this one.  We will get it started on time with the next one."  I called my best friend at 9:00 am in the morning that day and asked her if she wanted to go out for mimosas with me.  That's how sad and sure I was that I was miscarrying again.  Thank God she was busy and I did not drink those mimosas because the next day I started the medicine and my HCG shot up and to every one's surprise I was still quite pregnant.  "Unlikely we could have saved this one." What an awful thing to hear.  But God is bigger than anything we can do or don't get done on time.  I think about that all the time.  How even my doctor thought this baby wasn't going to make it, but here we are with a beautiful baby kicking around in there. Miracles happen.  I think about that on days like Monday.

So we move on, still scared and I know I will be until I hold this baby in my arms, but choosing to step out in faith each day.  Choosing to love this little one with all my heart, like there is no reason to believe I could ever lose this precious child.  16 weeks has come and is almost gone and we have all survived it.  Thank you God.

P.S.  Our sweet miracle is another pink princess!!!  I love you always and forever and no matter what baby girl!

Happy Mother's Day

Mother's Day can be a very difficult day for mother's who have lost a child.  I remember several Mother's Days when I just felt so sad and depressed.  I remember feeling so disappointed because no one gave me a Mother's Day card.  Even after Riley was born it was still a little hard and there was a twinge of sadness underneath the joy.  This Mother's Day is no different...joy and a thankful heart that I have been given Riley and another little baby to mother.  Sadness for the babies I never got to meet and the reality that a beloved mother and mimi will soon be gone. 

I have been so struck lately by how fleeting life is.  Another thing I thought I knew, but now I really know.  After watching my mother in law slowly die before our very eyes I sometimes can't believe just a few short years ago she was healthy and vibrant.  Just a few short months ago she was still pushing Riley on a swing.  Yes, life is fleeting and it can change in an instant.  Oddly enough, this encourages me to live.  Really live.  Don't sweat the small stuff.  Be kind to others.  Don't judge.  Always act out of love. Eat at fancy restaurants.  Go on lots of vacations.  Hug your little ones as much as you can.  Have a picnic in your bed while watching Sesame Street with your kids and don't worry about the crumbs (I did that one this week!).  Love your husband like crazy.  Splurge a little.  Drink really good wine.  Sit on your patio and appreciate a beautiful, sunny day and the sound of your kids playing and giggling.  Snuggle your little ones even when you know you should walk out and let them go to sleep.  Sing them just one more song.  Read them just one more story.  Take it all in.  Live it and enjoy it.  Life is way too short and way to full of ugliness to let the good times pass you by. 

So even though I was sad this weekend, I got a massage, I went shopping with a friend, I received with joy jewelry from my husband, I took in the sweet little three year old silliness of my daughter, I rejoiced for the little one soon to come, I visited Vickie and cried with her and loved her.  I appreciated that I am a mother.  I lived.  To all you baby loss moms out there, my heart goes out to you.  I know the ache you feel in your heart on this day.  I know how you feel like an impostor for wanting to be recognized as a mother too.  But hear this, you are a mother.  You celebrate that you had your little one for as long as you did. You cry.  You feel angry.  You go shop and spend a little too much.  You get through this however you have to.  But the one thing you don't do is doubt that you are a mother and this day is for you too.  Most of the world may not recognize you as a "real" mother, but God does and your baby does.  And they are the only ones who really matter.  Hang in there mamas.  And don't lose hope.  Next Mother's Day you may be holding a little one.  One that screams to the whole world, "I am a mother!" and I can tell you, oh how much you appreciate and love and cherish that role once you have been through what we have.  Life is short.  Live it with all your heart.  Happy Mother's Day to ALL the mothers out there!

I love you always and forever and no matter what.

Rainbow Baby

14 weeks.  Good bye first trimester.  Hello second.  There is a sense of relief that I have made it this far.  But since I did lose one baby in the second trimester I am not as relieved as I wish I could be.  The fear is bad today and I don't know why.  It just comes some days worse than others.  I am checking my baby's heart beat with a fetal Doppler again this pregnancy.  I am closing in on 16 weeks, my latest miscarriage happened at 16 weeks.  These few weeks leading up to then are more anxious than usual.  I remember checking that baby's heart beat for the last time.  The heart rate was in the 140's, completely normal, and yet I had a bad feeling that it was too low.  I just knew.  So I guess it's no surprise this morning when I checked my baby's heart beat and it was in the 140's, I started to worry.   I checked it again....130's.  My mind went to the dark place immediately.  I was right back there and I was paralyzed with fear.  I checked it again 15 minutes later...back up in the 150's, a small sigh of relief, but still a call to my doctor's office where the nurse assured me that as long as it is between 120 and 160 it is normal and fine and even if it fluctuates that much it is still fine.  Oh, how long can I do this?  Well, I have to do it for six more months.  I have no choice.  I just want this baby here, in my arms, safe, at last. 

I don't know how I have never heard of this before, what with all my miscarriages and my connection to rainbows.  But I came across this for the first time yesterday, the term rainbow baby.  A rainbow baby is a bay who is born after a miscarriage or stillbirth.  The thought being that in order for a rainbow to appear, there must first be a storm.  The rainbow doesn't mean that the storm never happened or that it is even over.  But it means there is a gift, beauty, a reward for enduring the storm.  Rainbow babies can only come if first there is a storm.  I read this two days after my best friend sent me a picture of a rainbow she saw while on vacation with the simple words, "This made me think of you".  It is so hard to be this afraid.  I feel so weak, like such a failure for not having more faith, more trust in God.  I pray, "Please God don't take this baby for lack of my faith."  It is such a tormented place to be in.  All I can do is move forward with the sheer hope and faith that this is my rainbow baby.  The one that will come after such a long and devastating storm.  The one that will bring beauty back into our lives and remind me that the storm was so worth it.  Today is a tough day.  Stay with me Baby Life, my sweet little rainbow baby, stay with me.

I love you always and forever and no matter what.