Two posts in one day. What could possibly warrant that?
After receiving the news that I am once again gestational diabetic and after being terrified by the new research and what it suggests I had a pretty bad afternoon. So bad that I could not even take Riley to her dance class tonight. I had to call Jason to come get her and take her. When they got home Riley must have said "I want macanona and cheese!" like 20 times. I finally gave her some and she started crying because she didn't like it. "I want Mickey Mouse chicken nuggets!" I am exhausted and in no mood to fight with her so I preheat the oven to cook her chicken nuggets when she suddenly falls on the floor crying. "What's wrong??!!" I say. "I want to play with Adler!" I look out the window and our neighbor's little girl, Adler, is outside and suddenly Riley has no interest in eating. She just wants to go play and she is throwing yet another fit. All the while Jason is trying to explain to me why he thinks I am freaking out over nothing and our baby is fine. So I do something I have been too scared to do since I got pregnant...I grab my phone and ear buds, I put on my tennis shoes, I leave a note on the counter that says, "went for a walk" and I walk around my whole neighborhood. And I don't just stroll. I walk hard. The kind of walk that attempts to release all the stress.
While I am walking I think about how I haven't seen a rainbow since I got pregnant. I think to myself that if I could ever use one, it's right now. I have this feeling that I should turn around and look back behind me. I look back, nothing. I look back again and even a third time, nothing. No rainbow. I can't find one. I can't find God. I am scared and alone. I walk on, thoughts swirling in my head. A few minutes later I stop dead in my tracks when I look up to see a tiny sliver of a rainbow peaking through the clouds. I stood there on the sidewalk while cars whizzed past me on the busy street and just stared at it and cried. There He was. God showed up. He spoke to me. He told me it is all going to be all right, with Riley, with the baby. They are both going to be ok. I was so humbled. I said over and over as I cried, "Thank you. Thank you. I love you. I love you." Before I walked on, I blew a kiss up to a place that I can't see, to a place somewhere over the rainbow. I blew a kiss to God. I blew a kiss to my children. And for the first time since I got pregnant I felt peace.
I continued walking and crying and looking at the sky. The clouds suddenly broke and there were clear skies and the sun shined so bright. And I thought, isn't this just how it is, we look behind. We look behind to a past that haunts us, to fears that are destroying us, we look back because we are too paralyzed to look forward. And then when we are at our lowest, our most weak and afraid, God shows up and in an instant, the skies are clear, the sun shines, we see a rainbow, we feel peace and with every step we take forward we are one step closer out of the storm and into the light and beauty. I can tell you I have had few experiences like this with God. And I can tell you this, at least in my life, God shows up like this when we are in the dark. This is the secret treasure that is hidden in the dark places of our lives, the amazement, wonder, beauty, glory and healing power of God that is near impossible to see unless you are in the dark place. And this is how you know you have just had an encounter with God, like the real, up close and personal kind that happens but a few times in a life time. You know you have had that because suddenly it is all ok. Six miscarriages are ok. Being terrified for your children's health and well being is ok. It is all ok because it is all worth it to experience God like this, even for just a moment. To be so sure and so full of faith. To be so humbled. It is all worth it to be close to the One who loves us so much he sent his Son to die for us. And I finally understand what it means when the bible says to be thankful in ALL things. I am thankful because I never would have experienced God like this if not for the heart ache I have suffered.
I come home. Jason is waiting for me. He hugs me and says, "It's all going to be ok". "I know. It is." I reply as we hug and Riley sits quietly eating her chicken nuggets. It is all going to be ok because we love a God who shows up when we need him most. Who loves me enough to take my greatest hurts and fears and use them to reflect his glory. Who sends us a rainbow in the midst of the storm to restore our hope. Who leads us out of the storm and into clear skies. Who is blessing me with this beautiful rainbow baby. Who lives in us, around us and somewhere over the rainbow.
I love you always and forever and no matter what.
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