After my first miscarriage one of my mom's friends, who has three grown children now, confided that she too had miscarried once. She said that no one really knew what I was going through except other women who are "in the club". Women who have suffered a miscarriage do indeed form a club, a very quiet club and we share a bond like no other, for we are the only ones who know what it's like to lose a child while it's still inside of us. This is not a club I ever wanted to be in, but like it or not, I think I may be the president!
I once read something written by another member of the miscarriage club. She wrote that after her miscarriage she would hear other mothers talking about all the things young, new mothers talk about....pregnancy, child birth, nursing, potty training, first words and first days of school. And she longed to be a part of that club, the Mommy Club. I think about my life since Riley was born and I am so thankful that I get to be a member of the Mommy Club, that I know what it's like to see your baby for the first time, hold her, smell her, marvel at her perfectness. That I know what it's like to be dog tired, getting up in the middle of the night 2,3,4 times in a sleep deprived haze to attend to a baby who needs you. That I know what it's like to finally go on a date with your husband again after having a baby...you take a shower, put on something other than sweats, put on make up for the first time in weeks and then just as you head out the door your little angel spits up all over you. I know what it's like to get poop on your fingers and not even be phased because it's the 10th diaper you have changed today. I know the joy of a first smile, first laugh, first step and first word. My days are filled with chasing, teaching, time outs, no-no's, kissing boo boo's and putting band-aids on imaginary ones, cleaning the same mess over and over, tickles, giggles, pretending, blowing bubbles and many days even tears over the frustrations the mother of a toddler faces. And then there are the nights out for drinks with other mommy girlfriends, the ones we take to get a break from our crazy toddlers and mommy duties but then end up talking about the kiddos all night anyway. The good, the bad, the ugly...the wonderful, this is what it is like to be in the Mommy Club. And as much as I hate the previous club, I had to be a member of that one to get to be a member of this one.
To those of you out there who are members of the miscarriage club but not yet members of the Mommy Club, take heart, because you too have days full of mommy adventures in your future. Don't give up. I am so thankful I kept trying and now have Riley. Many days I think about giving up on trying for another one. I think that it is definitely not the worst thing in the world to have an only child. But I know when the day comes that I see my baby, smell that sweet baby smell and marvel once again at the perfectness of God's creation I will be so thankful that I trudged my way through membership in the miscarriage club so that I could once again become a member of the mommy club. And if the measure of a mommy isn't how many children she bears, but how much love is in her heart, then perhaps I am the president of this club too.
I love you always and forever and no matter what.
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