I had a dream last night. I was on an airplane and I was flying across the ocean to Hawaii. There was a problem with the plane and there was no place to land. The plane spirals down and I am completely helpless. No control over my fate at all. This is a dream I have often. I have been afraid of flying for as long as I can remember. But the scary plane crash dreams have become worse since losing the baby in December. And the dream was no doubt triggered by a conversation we had at dinner last night about a vacation we might be taking in a few years. Yes, a few years away and the mere mention of flying across the Pacific starts the bad dreams already. But I think these dreams have been worse because of the loss of the babies, another situation in which I feel completely helpless, no control over my fate at all. Losing these babies might as well be a plane crash in my mind.
We have no idea how to proceed from here. We finally decided to have some less mainstream testing done to look for a cause for our losses. It's controversial and you could put 50 doctors in a room and no two would probably completely agree on this. But the theory goes like this...a woman gets pregnant. Half of the baby is foreign (the part that comes from the father) and her body should attack anything foreign, but the part of the baby that comes from the mother sends off a protective signal to her body and immune system telling it not to attack the foreign matter (the baby). Sometimes two people get together whose DNA is a little too similar (Weird right!! I had to ask Dr. G. if this meant Jason and I were related somehow...he said no...thank God!!) and the part of the baby that comes from the mom doesn't recognize that part of the baby is foreign because the DNA is so similar. Therefore no protective signal is sent out. The mother's immune system picks up that there is something foreign in her body and attacks it because there are no protective signals being sent out and the mother will miscarry. It's confusing. It's weird. If that is the problem, why was it not an issue with Riley? Why do some pregnancies progress for weeks, even into the second trimester, and others barely make it past the positive pregnancy test? No one knows and that is why according to Dr. G. it is something we can check for but he says the science on it isn't that great. The treatment if we do test positive is Intralipid therapy and something called IVIG...blood transfusions to suppress my immune system and therefore keep my body from attacking the baby. We feel we have no options left so we did the testing for this. Of course, nothing is ever easy. They needed three vials of blood from Jason, which they easily got in five minutes. They needed 10 vials from me...six needle sticks, a puddle of my own blood on the floor, dizziness, nauseousness, freezing cold with chills and and hour and half later they finally got it all out of me. We are awaiting the results now. These test results are another piece of the puzzle. If it comes back negative, we know that's not the problem and it helps us decide how to move forward. If it comes back positive we can decide if we want to do the treatment and again it helps us decide how to proceed. Hoping for results in a week or two.
So in the midst of all this and with my sister's wedding next weekend my house is a disaster. I decided to clean and organize our office/ work out/ catch all room today. I came across a stack of things I kept from when Riley was a baby. One of them was a chart I was sent home with from the hospital when I had her. Riley was a tiny baby and she lost a lot of weight right after she was born and initially had trouble gaining it back so I was given strict instructions to keep track of how often she nursed, for how long and how often she urinated. So there it was...April 19, 2010 at 1:45 pm she nursed 25 minutes and had a wet diaper. 4:00 pm she nursed 21 minutes and had a wet diaper. 6:15 pm she nursed 28 minutes and had a wet diaper, etc., etc... My mind is flooded with memories of her first weeks home with us. Nursing her religiously for weeks to avoid formula and help her gain weight (which she finally did...one of my greatest accomplishments as a mother :) ) watching her sleep, being so excited when she would open her eyes for a brief few seconds, taking hundreds of pictures a day, afraid to fall asleep at night because no one would be "watching" her and what if something happened and we didn't know it because we were asleep?? Jason finally moved her bassinet right beside our bed and brought a night light in our room so that she slept within inches of me and I could open my eyes in the middle of the night and see her right away and know she was OK, not that it really mattered since she woke up to eat every two hours all night long. All these memories...will we ever have a brand new little one in our home again? Time will tell.
In the mean time, I try not to miss all the amazing moments with the child I do have because I am hoping so hard for one that may never come. Like today, we went to the mall and Riley picked out a fluffy, girlie, Minnie Mouse night gown and she had to put it on as soon as we got to the car. The whole ride home she kept looking at it on herself, playing with the fabric, smiling ear to ear and saying "new night gown!" and "Mommy, I take a nap!" because I told her it was to be worn during sleep time. For a child that looks nothing like me with her blond hair and blue eyes, she sure acts just like me...a girlie girl through and through. And to think, because of the sadness and all that has been lost, I almost missed it. Thank God I didn't. And in these moments when I have no control and I am spiraling down to sure destruction, like a plane that suddenly levels out, all is OK and she saves me.
I love you always and forever and no matter what.
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