Adoption

The last thing I want to do is offend anyone but I feel like, in our situation, the issue of adoption is too big not to be addressed.  And before I share my feelings on the subject, I have to first say that I have two cousins who are adopted and they are more like siblings to me than cousins.  I know they were always meant to be in the exact family that they are in.  In fact, sometimes one of them will make a comment about being adopted and I think, "Oh yeah, that's right.  You're adopted!"  I really do forget that minor detail a lot because to me they aren't my adopted cousins.  They are just my cousins.  I love them dearly and can't imagine life without them. 

That being said, I am always shocked at how brazenly people bring up this topic with us.  Whether or not to adopt a baby is a very personal matter and not one I would discuss just off the cuff in casual conversation.  To be honest, it really offends me, hurts me and makes me feel hopeless.  Here's why...

1.  Adopting a baby isn't the cure all for infertility related problems.  Adoption is expensive.  It's a lengthy process and all too often you hear the sad stories of a failed adoption and parent's to be are left mourning the loss of a baby, just like they would if they had miscarried.  Adoption is a huge step and not as easy as people may think.

2.  People say, "Well have you considered adoption?" Well of course we have!  Who in our situation doesn't consider that.  It's not like we have never heard of adoption before.  But when people ASK us if we have thought about it, it really is just kind of insulting to our intelligence and it's really a passive way of them TELLING us that maybe we should consider adopting.  Which brings me to my next point.

3.  When people suggest adoption to us, I realize how hopeless our situation must look to outsiders.  They must secretly think there is no chance of us having a biological child and adoption is our only option.  I am hanging on to hope with all I have and those comments snatch it away so fast. 

If I had never had a biological child I might feel differently on this topic.  But I have.  I know what it's like to carry a baby, to feel a baby move within you and subsequently your heart does too,  to wonder if the baby will look like you or your husband and to watch that miracle unfold as you deliver and raise your child.  I think adoption is a beautiful and amazing thing.  I know it has brought many families together that would never be otherwise.  I never say never, because as soon as I do God has a way of making me eat my words, but I can say that presently adoption does not feel right in my heart.  It never has in the past and I do not anticipate it to in the future.  And Jason feels the same way. 

These adoption comments have been said to me since just after my first miscarriage which is just crazy considering how common miscarriage is.  I could have had two or three healthy kids after just one miscarriage.  If you are reading this and you have suggested adoption to us, I write this not to make you feel bad.  I know your hearts are in the right place and often times people just want so badly to help us and say something to make us feel better and give us some hope.  I write this to educate people.  Miscarriage is such a taboo subject and people do not know what the right thing to say is.  I can help people to know what the right thing is.  Just like you would not say to a grieving widow, "You can just marry a new husband", you would not say to grieving parents, "You can just adopt a different baby." It doesn't work that way.

There are many couples out there who feel pulled in their hearts to adopt and to them I say that is amazing.  I love that for them.  For us, it's just not so, perhaps for no other reason than this, if we had given up and adopted there would be no Riley Grace in this world.  And the world is definitely a better place for her being in it.  I feel in my heart the need to keep trying to have another baby with my husband.  When it works for us, it works beautifully!  Just look at our girl!  I'm not ready to give up on what God can create out of Jason and I just yet.  And if I am wrong and there are no more babies in our future, then we will find our way to peace and acceptance and we will be a content and happy family of three and we will shower our one baby girl with all the love in our hearts.