I am babysitting a friend's son. He is asleep in the pack-n-play in my guest room and Riley is asleep in her crib. Both kids napping at the same time, sweet relief. I lay down, back aching, pounding head ache, exhaustion. A nap is just what this pregnant mother needs to regain some energy before the kids wake up. And before I slip off to sleep I listen to my baby's heart beat...for the last time. That was one year ago today.
The nagging feeling that the heart rate was too low pulls on my heart the rest of that day. I check it again the next morning...nothing. I eat and drink orange juice and then lay down and try again...nothing. I wait, wait, wait until the doctor will finally see me. My baby has now been gone at least 24 hours. And I am terrified. We finally get to see the doctor. Our friend's daughter's first birthday is this day. I remember thinking we could still make it to the party. I still hang on to the hope that it will be a quick in and out appointment where they will find the heart beat and tell me I am overreacting and send me home and we will go about our day and attend the birthday party. The appointment is not quick. I am not overreacting. We miss the birthday party.
A baby changes everything. Yes they certainly do. We've all heard this saying before and a baby, whether it's a fleeting spark of life or a healthy baby born into your arms, changes everything. That day, one year ago, that baby changed everything. I went home to a house decorated from top to bottom for Christmas. I love this time of year, which makes me so angry because now I don't like this time of year so much. Christmas is a sad time for me now. I lost a baby at Christmas time. I was due to have a baby just a few days ago, one I miscarried back in March. The death of one baby and the due date of another lost one are just days apart. On my tree hangs a new ornament this year, one in remembrance of my babies, especially my Christmas one. And what's worse is that Christmas is a holiday about a baby being born. Reminders of a baby in the Christmas music, in the nativity scenes, in the story of Christmas.
But if a baby changes everything, never was there a baby who changed everything more than baby Jesus did. He snuck into this world in the form of a human child on a star lit night and changed everything for every single soul forever more. Born into a world of dirt surrounded by animals, such a meek beginning for God's only treasured Son. He took on the pain, agony and heart break of this world all for the sake of love. He lived a life of love. He died a gruesome death on a cross to save others, his death was a death of love. His love in the form of a baby changed everything. I spoke to a friend recently and I told her this of all my babies...each of them has changed everything, for there are now six eternal beings in heaven who would never be there if not for love, the love Jason and I have for each other, the love God has for us. One of my favorite Christmas songs is "A Baby Changes Everything" by Faith Hill. The lyrics speak straight to my heart. Although our stories are very different the emotion is the same. A young girl is with child and she is scared. She cries, oh how she cries. And then she delivers a baby who changes everything and then Mary lost that child one day. Oh how she cried, how we both have cried. But Mary's loss was temporary and because of the baby she carried we all have hope of being reunited with the ones we have loved and lost. I know this is not what everyone believes, but it is what I believe.
That same sweet girl whose birthday party we missed last year turned two this past weekend. I made it to the party this year. Riley and I sang her Happy Birthday, watched her open her gifts, blow out her candles and Riley ate a lot of the cake she had been begging me for since we got there. But in my heart was an ache that I could not get rid of. It has really been a year since we lost you little one. How I wish I could have held you, seen you, kissed you, watched you grow, wiped your tears and tickled your tummy. You changed everything and each passing day is one day closer to the day I will get to see you, hold you, kiss you. And each passing day is one day closer to the day I will see the baby who makes that possible. Sweet baby, I love you always and forever and no matter what and God, I am trying, despite the pain and doubt and fear, to love you always and forever and no matter what.
Faith Hill singing live "A Baby Changes Everything"
The Story of the Baby Who Changed Everything
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