We sit in church this morning and I sob so hard that the girl (who I don't know) sitting in front of us hands me a package of tissues. A very sweet gesture and I gladly accepted one, but it was embarrassing none the less. What prompted my 50th sob fest of the week...one of our Deacon's prayers during service for my mother in law. I listen as he updates the church that Vickie is in her final days and will be going to heaven soon. I think about my baby who is coming soon. He starts to pray. It hits me just the right way and the water works turn on. This has been my life the past week, especially since my last doctors appointment. Baby girl passed her bio with flying colors. She's measuring great, 6 lbs 5 oz, not too big, not too small. I then sit and wait to see my doctor. When she comes in she asks how I am doing. She can tell just by looking at me how tired I am and then I go on to describe this pain I have been having in my stomach and how uncomfortable it has been (just muscles being stretched) . So she says, "How do you feel about being induced?" "Yes please. Today please." I answer. She says we can't do it yet but when I am 38 weeks we can. I feel bad. Is it awful to induce a baby early if you have no good medical reason? What if she's not ready? My doctor's answer is spot on...."After everything you have been through, why not? No point in taking any chances. She's ready. You're ready. Let's just do it". October 23rd is the date she gives us. Jason pulls out his phone and checks his calendar, "That day is good for me. I don't have much going on." I can't help but sigh and laugh a little...and gently remind him that even if he did have something going on he would cancel it...men :)
I feel relieved that our baby will be here in just 10 short days. I even feel excited and happy. But sadly, those positive feelings are hidden beneath a mountain of more powerful negative ones. I worry that induction is not the right decision since we really don't have a good medical reason, I worry that she might not be ready and she will have complications after delivery, I worry about the effects pitocin could have on her. I worry that I am taking this out of God's hands and putting it in my own. I worry that Vickie will pass and Jason will miss our daughter's birth or I will be sitting in the hospital alone with my new baby while I miss her funeral. This is why I have been the most emotional pregnant lady ever. The smallest things set me off. I cry for no reason. I think I am going crazy. I try to talk to people about it but no one really gets it. "Oh you are just hormonal and at the end. Everyone feels this way at the end." and then they go on talking about something else. But no, everyone does not feel exactly this way at the end. I thank God for a therapist who has to listen to me (because I am paying her to :) and a husband who doesn't have to but does because he loves me. My therapist asks me how I cope with such overwhelming stress. I tell her I cry, I sleep and I shop...usually in that order. She says that is actually a pretty good way to cope and I should keep crying, sleeping and shopping to my heart's content until my baby is born. So I guess that's the plan for the next 10 days.
You may wonder why I agreed to be induced if I am so worried about it. The answer is because I am just as worried about not being induced. I do have gestational diabetes which is one good reason to induce early. If I have her earlier Vickie may get to see her before she passes, another good reason for her to come a little early. Really, I will worry no matter what plan of action we take. But the thought of just waiting on one more unknown to happen all the way into 40 weeks is so daunting to me right now that I just can't help but want to be induced, even if it does scare me. So this is it, the day I long thought would never come is fast approaching. It terrifies me and excites me and elicits a full range of emotions all at once. I am a ticking time bomb, just waiting for the tears to explode at any time. But since I have professional approval from my therapist to cry as much as I want, that is what I will do. I will cry this baby into my arms for 10 more days. And I will keep sending up prayers that maybe I won't have to be induced or wait until 40 weeks...maybe, just maybe, she will decide to come early all on her own. That is my prayer.
I love you always and forever and no matter what.
P.S. In case you are wondering from my last post, I did finally get my new medicine, preservative free. I started it about 5 days late and it was quite the ordeal learning how to use the weird contraption of a needle and needle dispenser. The nurses couldn't even figure out how it worked. In the end it was Jason who just grabbed it form the nurse, put the thing together in about 1 minute and said "There, that's how it works. I will help you do it for the first time tomorrow. Let's go." (To anyone who knows Jason's father, does he remind you of someone??) I guess 3 1/2 hours in the OB's office was enough for him. So I am on my new medicine and though it still does not guarantee I will be able to have an epidural, my chances are much greater now :)
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