We are in the parking lot of a Chili's. I am leaning over the backseat to get Riley out of her car seat. I glance up and look through the windshield and see my husband meet my father in law on the sidewalk. My father in law just looks at his son, says nothing and shakes his head back and forth. Jason's head falls. These two grown men stand there, heads town, eyes red and tears threatening to escape. Before any words are said, I know. We have been awaiting the results of these tests for weeks. The latest treatment did not work and my mother in law's cancer is spreading. We escape life for a few days and leave town, all of us together, my husband and in laws and Riley and I. One little family with some pretty huge burdens to carry.
While crying our way through lunch at Chili's I receive a rather insensitive and upsetting text message from a friend who means well but just does not understand what we are going through right now. Oh, and I have to board a plane in two hours. I think we all know my views about the human body being 30,000 feet above the ground...it's dangerous and should never happen! That's just my opinion. I'm pretty sure we were the only people traveling with a child who carried a car seat on the plane. Imagine a line of people trying to get to their seats in the narrow isle but they can't get by because Jason is haphazardly trying to secure the enormous car seat into a teeny tiny airplane seat. He would just as soon let Riley sit in the regular seat....let my precious two year old teeny tiny baby girl sit unrestrained in a death machine (sorry for the dramatics) that will soon be catapulting us up to a place in the sky so high even birds don't fly up there, I don't think so! Thankfully the rest of our weekend was not as difficult as those few hours at Chili's and on the plane were. It was a weekend planned to celebrate good news or find some escape from bad news. We were happy. We were sad. We laughed. We cried. We were together, all weekend, our little family.
"Have I not commanded you be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 Well I failed at that one. I do every time I fly. I try to be strong and courageous. I try to not be afraid and I tell myself over and over again in my head that God is with us, watching over us, protecting us. Then the voice enters, "If that's true then where was your God the six times you were pregnant and lost your babies? Where is your God now that your only child's grandmother, who she is head over heals in love with, has cancer?" "Get behind me Satan" I almost say out loud. But then a mere bit of turbulence comes and my fight is over...."Jason" I say, "Get the stewardess over here now. I need a drink!". Isn't this how life is, we try so hard but when the bumps come we struggle, we question and we ask why, we turn to whatever we need to just get us through.
Throughout the weekend I forced myself to think of things in light of my faith. Six miscarriages. Six unanswered prayers. But how many times have I flown? I can't even count all the times. Definitely more than six, especially since I met my husband and his darn family that likes to travel so much (I love you dear Parkers! :) ) How many answered prayers is that? Riley has fallen asleep and woken up safely every morning for almost three years now. How many answered prayers is that? Riley is perfectly healthy, growing, thriving and talking. People once tried to scare us into thinking this may not be the case for her. That's one huge answered prayer. And the list goes on and on. He blesses us abundantly, even on our darkest days. We were never promised everything would go the way we wanted it to in this life. And when I decided, when my mother in law decided, to give our lives to God we decided to let Him dictate our lives. And we decided we would trust Him no matter what, even when it wasn't going the way we wanted. I may not handle flying so well. I am a nervous wreck for weeks before the scheduled flight, I am on pins and needles at the airport and it is nothing short of a panic attack as soon as we take off until the moment we land. I may use anxiety meds and a few drinks to get me through (which, when timed just right, works quite well), I may not be strong and courageous as God commands, but I am strong enough and courageous enough to get on the plane. To willingly and literally walk right onto one of my greatest fears. Victims of cancer may not be strong and courageous every day. But, at least the one I know (and actually I know two people I love who battle cancer right now) is strong enough and courageous enough to get out of bed every day, live her life bravely and boldly and all the while with a smile on her face. We aren't perfect but we try. We do our best. And we thank God for His grace that covers us when we fall short.
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