Finally sitting down after a long day of doctors appointments, errands, laundry, cleaning, chasing, feeding, bathing a two year old and two trips back into her room to sing "tinkle tinkle star" one more time. And I have a confession to make...after my first post last week I completely panicked. Did I seriously just tell the whole world (OK, maybe just my little corner of it, but still!) about the most personal and painful thing that has ever happened to me??!! I actually regretted it for days afterwards. But so many of you sent me the kindest words of support and encouragement. To all of you who commented or sent me a message, thank you! One sweet friend even brought me Starbucks! Jason kept telling me how brave he thought it was and how he thinks this will be very healing for me. And someone else very dear to me, who suffered a miscarriage recently, told me she feels that no one really understands what she is going through, that it is awkward to talk about and that I should keep writing so people do know. And so, armed with all your supportive words and a husband and friend cheering me on, I write again.
I met with Dr. G today for my customary "I just had another miscarriage. What now?" appt. I got poked in the arm for the fourth time in one week as they monitored my hormone levels go up last week indicating I was pregnant and the pregnancy was progressing and now today to follow them back down to ensure my miscarriage is complete. Dr. G and I talked for about 30 minutes and again he told me he really has no idea why this keeps happening. It is just a mystery. He wants to take some time to review my records more closely and make sure he has not missed anything and then he said he will call me next week with his recommendation on how we should proceed. We discussed IVF and PGD and he gave me some more info on that. He then said that I have not been tested for any immune disorders, which can be a cause of recurrent miscarriage. I totally thought I had been tested for that, but apparently not. He said the research on it is not great, the testing is expensive and the treatment involves blood transfusions to suppress my immune response to the pregnancy. He said there are some risks...um yeah....we would be putting another person's blood in my body! But that is why he wants to review my history before he suggests that route. He told me he has had patients who have miscarried as much as me and they have gone on to have healthy babies. I point blank asked him if I was his wife what would he want me to do. He said, " I treat all my patients that way, and that is why I want to take some time to review your file and really make sure we haven't missed anything before we move on" and that is why I love Dr. G!
Rainbows. These beautiful multi colored creations hold a special place in my heart and here is why. I remember vividly the day I miscarried my first child. It was a Sunday, so I had to go to the ER rather than my regular obgyn (who I have sense left). I was told by the ER doc to follow up with my obgyn the next day. So that following Monday I had an appt with her where she told me in a very matter of fact tone that she had reviewed my records from the ER and she was sorry but my pregnancy was "no longer viable". Yeah, I think we figured that out when it was confirmed that our baby no longer had a beating heart. She then proceeded to perform a pelvic exam on me in which she used some rather barbaric tactics in my opinion to help my miscarriage along. I laid on the exam table, all by myself, with no pain medication, knuckles white from gripping the table, silent tears streaming down my face and my breath held in so I would not cry out. I left her office feeling completely drained, both physically and emotionally. On the drive home, there is was, a rainbow in the sky. Again, I had the feeling it was put there just for me. And I have never so clearly heard the voice of God say, "Just trust Me". And for a moment I did. And I knew it would all be OK somehow. I wish I could say that I kept that trust in Him throughout this whole ordeal and therefore the sadness wasn't so bad but grief doesn't work that way. But I did think about that rainbow a lot. And in the really dark moments I clung to His words to trust. And then August 10th came. That was the morning I woke up and took a pregnancy test and it was positive. The morning I sat in my bathroom alone and cried tears of joy, thanking God over and over for breathing life into me once again. The morning I felt both terrified and hopeful. Paralyzed by the fear of losing another one, but also with this gut feeling that it was going to work this time, that I really would be holding my baby in nine months. I crawled in bed next to my sleeping husband and whispered in his ear, "I'm pregnant". It was one of the happiest moments of my life. And later that day, driving to the hospital to see my best friend's baby who had just been born (weird huh??!!) there it was....a rainbow. I had not seen one since the awful drive home after my miscarriage. Pregnancy with Riley was nine months of anxiety, fear that I would lose her too, several panicked trips to the ER because I hadn't felt her move. And when I felt like that, I thought of the rainbow, His command to trust and it made me feel better. So that is why I love rainbows. God sent one to comfort me in my darkest hour and He sent one to celebrate with me in one of my brightest.
I have seen a few rainbows since then, most recently just a few months ago right in front of my house. Oddly that was the day I found out I didn't get pregnant from a cycle where we had tried a new drug recommended by Dr. G and were feeling pretty hopeful only to be disappointed. And it has happened on occasion that I take a pregnancy test, it is positive and I go stand outside my house looking up to the sky for one...not joking. I have actually done that. But I have never seen one again like I did that day. But like the picture above states, "When the world says give up, hope whispers try one more time". This world has given me every reason to give up, six reasons to be exact. I am probably crazy to still be trying. But that's the crazy thing about hope, about God...when everything else tells you to give up, a rainbow appears and whispers, "Trust Me. And try one more time".
Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible." - Matthew 19:26
I love you always and forever and no matter what.
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